Larger than Life

Extremes

2011-09-02T12:19:00.005-04:00

At this time last year we were about to find out that Josiah was being formed within me and at this time two years ago we had just found out that Mason's death was caused by an undiagnosed, untreated infection. The emotions that we experienced with each discovery were extreme, of life and death, of good and bad.

Remembering those events and preparing for a new one next week, has caused me to think about two other good and bad extremes that our family has and continues to experience -peace and pain. The last moments that I had with Mason were spent whispering in his ear while I brushed hair off his forehead with my fingers and pressed my face tightly against his. I knew it would be the last time I'd see my sweet boy this side of Heaven and I knew the reality of that was going to be HARD. I was whispering in Mason's ear but it was God who I was talking to and it was God who heard and answered me. In those moments, ones I will never forget, I asked for help and I asked for peace. I got, and still get, help in ways that I didn't realize existed and peace that continues to completely surpass my understanding. To say that I am thankful would be an understatement. I can't imagine living without that peace now. I don't think it would be possible. The pain is still deep but so is the peace. Peace in the midst of pain doesn't make sense to some people and maybe that is why some people are calling us strange and criticizing us for the way that we have grieved. In response to the criticism, I initially feel the need to defend myself and my love for Mason, but God gently reminds me that He is my defender and He knows my heart.

Reflecting on peace through pain has led me to think of the peace and hope that I have through the pain and death that Jesus endured on the cross. May I be bold enough to use the opportunities that I am given to share our story, our peace and most importantly, plain and simply Jesus, even when people think I'm strange or criticize me.

Josiah's Birth Announcement

2011-06-11T19:29:00.000-04:00

Photo Card

View the entire collection of cards.

Mason Has A Little Brother!

2011-05-30T22:34:00.006-04:00

Josiah Samuel
Friday, May 13, 2011
9:50 am
7 pounds, 10 ounces
20 1/2 inches

Wonderful pregnancy and amazing birth
(two hour labor, water birth, caught by Daddy and big sister cut the cord)

Check him out here -
http://video214.com/play/5KOS0FMb9Nihg2pYcP00IA/s/dark

Merry Christmas

2010-12-23T22:36:00.002-05:00

I missed November, not for a lack of thanksgiving but just for an escape of time. This will make up for it though. Today, exactly two years since Mason came home from the hospital only to unexpectedly pass away less than two months later from an infection that should have been recognized and treated, we were able to "see" the amazing gift that we were given a few months ago - our perfect, miracle baby growing within me, in God's hands. Our sweet Mason is going to get the baby brother that he so often asked for and the rest of us have hope in the here and now again. God is good!

So Thankful

2010-10-20T16:34:00.003-04:00

We have been hesitant to publicize it just yet, but we are experiencing a true miracle. It's just too hard not to share and give thanks and praise for what it is - a true gift from God. For the first time in almost two years, I have a glimpse of sunshine on the horizon. We are having a baby! Although this child is growing inside me, it is safe in His arms. Mas asked constantly for a little brother or sister, preferably brother. There is some sadness that he's not here to share this with us, but the truth is we wouldn't have this baby if Mas were still here. What an even more awesome reunion we will have in Heaven now!

It Takes Both

2010-09-15T21:52:00.000-04:00

I have been reflecting on some words that I saw on a bracelet today.

It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.

I'm looking forward to the sunshine.

The 11th

2010-08-11T22:24:00.000-04:00

It is Wednesday, the 11th - the same day of the week and the same day of the month that Mason went home to heaven, 18 months ago. I can't imagine how it could be that I have survived 18 months without him here! It is only by God's grace and mercy that I get through each day and night with this ginormous whole in my heart. I still remember one of the first conversations that I had with God after Mas died, asking God to please make the time pass quickly. The thought of crossing off days without Mason on my calendar, thinking it's been x days since I ... with him, made me feel sick everywhere. God has truly answered that prayer. It has only gotten easier, though, in the respect that the pain isn't quite so constant and consuming, but when it comes, it is still just as overwhelming and I find that I am less prepared for it than I was previously. I expected it constantly for a while but now it sneaks up on me and grabs me when I least expect it. I know from the stillbirth of our first baby that we'll never get over this, get past it or move on. We just learn how to cope and hopefully how to continue to grow. I feel like growth is difficult sometimes, even after all of this time, because we are still very much in the middle of everything that happened, the knowledge that we now have and where we go from here with it all. Jenny's 13th birthday is Sunday, her second one without her very loved and loving brother. I wanted so badly to give her something really special this year but there isn't enough stuff in the world to come anywhere near close to how special her brother was. How I wish she were able to celebrate this milestone birthday with him here. How I wish we could all share that and I know it's just silly, but how I wish I could go back to when my life felt perfect.

July 4th

2010-07-07T16:14:00.003-04:00

Last night I overhead someone ask my husband, "How was your 4th?" It seemed like such a wierd question to me but that is because, like so many other holidays and regular days, the fourth of July just isn't the same for us anymore. They are full of memories of what used to be and struggles with trying not to think too much about what should still be. I think sometimes that because time has passed and we look okay, that people assume life has returned to normal for us. Our lives will never be what they once were. I have hope for our future but the here and now is still hard. While many people were celebrating, having cookouts and watching fireworks, I was remembering. I was thinking back to July 4th, 2000, the day that Mason was conceived and God granted the true desire of my heart. I was remembering July 30, 2008, the night that we went to our last baseball game together. It was a Christmas in July event and after the game, while waiting for autographs, one of the players gave Mason a signed game bat. Mas was so excited about it. On the way home, he decided to give the bat to his Grandpa because he loved baseball and was too poor growing up to have a bat. I'll never forget what the love in Mason's eyes looked like or how I felt as a parent that night. I was recalling Christmas Day, 2009, his last Christmas here when we had July 4th on Christmas because Mas wanted hot dogs and cheeseburgers for Christmas dinner. He was in so much post operative pain and didn't really want to eat, but he could always eat hot dogs and cheeseburgers. I can't put into words how much I miss his love but how I miss all of the little things, too, like baseball games and hot dogs and cheeseburgers.

Time for a Change

2010-06-09T14:03:00.001-04:00

I started blogging on Mason's eighth birthday, the first birthday that we didn't get to spend with him, which was just a few weeks after he died and also on a Wednesday, the day that he went to be with God. For over a year I have been posting every week, on Wednesdays, but at least for the time being I feel like I've run out of thoughts to share so I am going to record the journey monthly now instead. I can hardly believe that it's been sixteen months since I saw my sweet boy's beautiful face. In some respects, it feels like he was just here and in others it seems like so long since I touched him that I can barely stand it. I don't miss him any less and the pain is still something that words just can't describe. I don't really understand any more now than I did then but I have learned to trust more in God and believe that He is in control and has it all perfectly worked out. Some days I just have to remind myself more than others.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

2010-05-12T13:08:00.003-04:00

A friend just sent this poem to me and in this month of remembering my first daughter, Mother's Day and missing my only son, the ugly shoe fits.

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

Mother's Day

2010-05-05T13:08:00.003-04:00

A few days ago would have been my first daughter's 14th birthday and a few days from now is Mother's Day. I am not looking forward to all of the Mother's Day greetings and conversations. It doesn't feel right at all to have more children in Heaven than I do on earth and somehow, I feel like I am missing Mason more than I did last year. It just seems like it's been such a long time since my senses were full of him and I really hope it's not a whole lot longer before we're together again.

Northern Lights

2010-04-28T19:28:00.002-04:00

A few weeks before Mason's surgery he and I were sitting on the couch looking through a travel magazine together. We talked about all of the places that were featured, deciding if we thought we'd like to check them out ourselves one day. We came across an article about Alaskan cruises and an accompanying picture of the Northern Lights. Mason was really fascinated with the lights and ever since watching the Winter Olympics in Norway as a kid, I've wanted to see them. We decided that seeing the Northern Lights together was definitely something that we wanted to do. As his surgery date got closer, I thought the picture of the lights might be a good focal point if he became nervous, so I cut it out and put it in my purse. On the day of his surgery, as we waited, waited and waited, he wasn't nervous at all and uncharacteristically, neither was I, but we talked about the lights and looked at the picture anyway. When Mason came home and through his difficult recovery as he bravely fought an infection that we didn't know he had, we talked about the Northern Lights a lot. Seeing them was something for us to look forward to and a picture in our minds to hold on to. I couldn't stand the thought of them after he died and I decided that I didn't want to see them anymore since we couldn't see them together. The secondary losses are many. I have been able to move through some of them. Some of them I haven't yet and some of them I may never. I am sad that I won't get to see the Northern Lights with Mason but I think I might like to see them one day anyway. We won't be able to enjoy them in the same way that we would have but I can look at them and look forward to the even more amazing things that we WILL get to see together in Heaven. I love my sweet boy and I miss him so much.

The Year After

2010-04-21T14:32:00.004-04:00

People seem to put so much emphasis on getting past the firsts and then somehow life is supposed to get better. I knew life wouldn't magically get better after our firsts had passed but I wasn't prepared for how difficult the seconds have been so far. As the day that marked a year since Mason died was approaching, I was having a very hard time with the thoughts of starting a new year completely without him. Part of me wanted the year that he died to end but another part just as big didn't want a new year to begin, a year that he wouldn't be part of at all. I had never heard anyone say anything like that so I wondered if it was maybe just my own warped sense or nonsense of it all. I think maybe the seconds are so hard, partly because it's never easy but by the time that the seconds come around, people think you are okay and that you have gotten over it. We have a friend whose husband went to Heaven not too long after Mason and she just passed his one year mark. When I saw her recently, she looked like I remember feeling - not at all better after having crossed that "milestone." I asked her if she felt ... (like I did) and she nodded her head. This journey isn't about making it to or through the firsts or the seconds. It is about making it through each day, one at a time, relying on God to give you the strength and peace that you need and being thankful for the little things, including the opportunities to help someone else make it through their day whenever you can.

Anything But Okay

2010-04-14T17:05:00.000-04:00

Routine, you said.

Complicated, it was.

Home the same day, you said.

A week in the horrible hospital, we were.

A band-aid, you said.

Inches of incision, he had.

Not a big deal, you said.

Immense pain, he endured.

Home for Christmas, you promised.

In Heaven six weeks later, he was.

Bounce back, you said he would.

But died, he did.

Everything would be okay, you said.

Anything but, it is.

I Am Me

2010-04-07T15:40:00.005-04:00

I am borrowing this from a friend. It describes how I am feeling this week.

I Am Me

I'm torn, and broken

No matter how I appear to others

How high I hold my head up

Or how my words are spoken

I will never be the person

That I use to be

And no matter how I appear to others

Head up, strong spoken

They have no idea who I am

I am me

Not who I appear to be

Callie Sanders Thornton

Dreams

2010-03-31T20:58:00.008-04:00

Last week I had the most vivid dream of Mason. I often fall asleep praying for good dreams of him, but I very rarely have them or at least I don't remember them if I do have them.

In the dream, I was carrying Mason, like I used to as much as I could. He was the same size that I remember him. He was a big and strong almost eight year old and way too big for me to carry but I loved doing it, even though his feet knocked against my knees as I walked. I think he loved it just as much as I did or he just knew I liked it and liked to make me happy. I'm not sure which it was. We were outside, walking somewhere and the sun was shining very brightly. The air was warm, but not too hot. Mas was wearing a red shirt and the shirt had soaked up the warmth of the sun. I could feel his weight and his warmth in my arms in my dream. There was a bird flying above us and Mason asked me, "Momma, is that a dove?" I didn't know so I told him just that. He persisted, rather anxiously and impatiently. I reminded him that he could see much better than I could. Jenny was standing beside us and he leaned over toward her, nearly knocking us over. He said, "Jenjen, is that a dove?" Jenny replied, "Yes, bud, it is." At the same time that she was responding, the bird began to fly lower and hovered over Mason for a bit. At that moment I realized that it was a dove. There was bright light behind it and bluish rays extending past it's wings. Mason was looking up at it in awe. Then I woke up to the reality of my empty arms. I tried to go back to sleep, hoping the dream would continue, but it didn't. I'm still thankful for the dream. I don't know what it meant exactly but it was awesome to feel my sweet boy in my arms again, if only in my dreams.

Mason's 9th birthday would be tomorrow. I don't think I've been thinking about it too much but in the very early morning yesterday I dreamed, once again in vivid color, that I was at my desk working and Mason was on his way to the bathroom. He was wearing the same red shirt as in my other dream. He said, "Hey, Momma, I want to invite Jakey to my party." I don't know at all what that one meant especially since we don't know a Jakey, but it was still nice to "talk" to Mason again, even if it was only in my dreams. That's all I have left, until we meet again on the other side of Heaven.

March 24

2010-03-24T15:09:00.002-04:00

This day nine years ago was my "due date" with Mason. I was so excited to find out that he was due on my beloved grandfather's birthday (where the second middle name, Carter, comes from), even though I knew how rare it was for babies to come on their due dates. Little did I know that Mason and God had a completely different plan that involved another week of being pregnant and a totally worth the wait, April Fools Day birth. Today, in my inbox was Mason's birthday club email from Cold Stone Creamery. Mason's 9th birthday would be next week. How I wish I could once again enjoy the simple things like ice cream with him. I truly enjoyed every second with him. There were certainly times that his insomnia wore on me but I still enjoyed being with him. It is hard to comprehend that this birthday will mark two without him here and we still haven't gotten to the bottom of all of the events surrounding his death. I have been thinking a lot lately about how big he would be now if he were still here. He was really getting tall. I wonder how close to my height he would have been by now and if I would still have been able to carry him around. I really can't wait to see him again, but I have to.

Spring

2010-03-17T11:34:00.003-04:00

All of our snow has finally melted and we've had really nice weather for the past few days. The mornings have been cool, the days warm, and the evenings, a mix of the two. We went out last night and while we were driving to where we needed to go, the smell of the air hit me. For a few seconds I had a flashback and it felt like we were going to baseball practice. I had smelled that same scent in the air on the way to practice so many evenings. I was quickly brought back to reality by the absence of chatter from my first baseman. That smell is back in the air and kids are back on the fields. We should have been heading to practice but our player isn't here anymore. It is hard not to feel like he was taken from us but we have to trust in God's perfect plan. It is hard not to want to just stay inside and not smell that scent in the air and repeatedly be reminded that we won't be going anywhere with or for Mason anymore. I will breathe in the air though, and remember that it is a gift from God, just as my sweet boy is. I will miss his physical presence more that words could ever explain, until we meet again and his love will live in my heart until then. I will remember Mason's soft hair, his big blue eyes, his smile full of half out and half in teeth, his laugh and how he cracked himself up, his rhythm, his feet in Chuck Taylors, his style, the music of his voice and the depth of his thoughts, the crazy stuff he did with his cat, his 100% enthusiasm, his hugs and kisses, so many things, how he loved everybody - even people who got on his nerves, how he loves me and how I love him. Always.

Exciting Little Side Note

2010-03-10T14:04:00.005-05:00

"Hey, that's Mason, my son, over there!"
www.ccdeltapa.org/AUDIO/Mark/2009/Mark09v01-13.mp3.

Plan B

2010-03-03T18:06:00.002-05:00

Mason's memorial service was one year ago Sunday. His beloved kindergarten teacher spoke the following words at his service.

When I went outside this morning clouds were rolling across the sky and the wind was moaning. As I looked up and saw the trees bending and swaying violently back and forth I figured they too, must be waving their disapproving arms as if to say it isn't fair that you are no longer here on this Earth. They looked how I felt inside.

Now that I have had a chance to speak to your family, I now know that the tremendous winds of today were made for you... to spread your angel wings and soar.

My plan, even though you scrunched up your nose, was to have you become part of my family. I loved having you as a part of my school family, and didn't want to stop there! I was certain you would be friends with Caleb... and of course fall deeply in love with Maggie. Yes, I know it was rather early for me to plan, but I knew I had found a "keeper" for my daughter. I was sure you were going to take care of her, respect her, love her and be her best friend. It seems silly to speak of and I kid about it lightheartedly, but, the fact remains that you were one of the most compassionate young men I have ever met.

...which is why I figure God had an alternate plan for you. Plan B. He knew you better than all of us. Yes, he saw the compassion, intelligence, drive and sense of humor that we all saw. But he knew more... making you the perfect man for His mission, a mission we are not yet sure of at this point... but someday will understand better when we all meet again.

So, until then, I will remember you when I saw a hawk, read your letters, or look at the crafts you made for me. I will remember you when I eat mushrooms on my pizza, tomatoes on my sandwiches, and tell my children I love them to the moon and back.

You have touched my life so deeply, as you have with all the people you knew. Your family is so proud of your accomplishments here and for the mission for which you have been chosen by Him... because they know that whatever the job is, you will do great!

My last words to you that day in the office were "Hang in there"... little did I know I would have to heed my own advice. I will remember you always. I love you.

We've gotten through all of the "firsts" now. It is hard for me to believe that it's been over a year since I felt Mason love but I'll keep hanging in there until I can feel it again. I'll always love you to the moon and back, and back again, my sweet boy and I'll never forget that you love me to "heaven and back." How ironic that is now. I wish it wasn't so far away.

Back "Home"

2010-02-24T23:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was in Jerusalem. Today I am back home. It seems like when I finally got somewhat used to being away without Mason, it was time to come back home without him, and oddly enough, coming back home seemed even harder than leaving was. I don't really understand it. It just is. It doesn't matter where I go or where I am. There is someone, part of me, missing and I suppose that I won't be complete until we're all home together in Heaven.

Blogging from Afar

2010-02-17T23:59:00.003-05:00

Today I blog from the Mediterranean Sea. This is our first full day in the land of Israel and this is the first trip that we have taken without Mas. I was looking forward to not being home over the first "anniversary" of his death and the first days after, but when our plans were changed because of snow, I realized, even though we wanted to be away, God wanted us to be home, and it was for the best (duh). I had no idea how hard it would be to leave home. I don't think Mason is in our house, so I'm not completely sure why it was so hard to walk out the door. It's not really any easier now that we've gotten here. Our tour bus is big enough and our group is small enough that we can have open seats beside us. It's nice for stretching out and stashing backpacks. The empty seat next to me, like the hole in my heart, would surely be filled if Mason were here though.

Tomorrow

2010-02-10T21:33:00.000-05:00

We were supposed to be going away tonight but our flight was cancelled because of the latest blizzard. We didn't want to be here tomorrow. I know God always has a perfect plan but right now I'm going to have to add this to the list of things I don't understand. I know tomorrow is just another day, but so much happened on it last year. It was the last day that I heard my sweet boy's voice and felt his arms around me. It was the day that he went Home and I couldn't go with him. I didn't want to be here tomorrow not hearing his voice, not feeling his hugs and not seeing him play in the excessive snow that we have.

And then there is the day after tomorrow...

for Jenny

2010-02-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

To my sister, from heaven.

I just wanted you to know
That I'll be with you wherever you go.
I've gotten my wings and learned how to fly
And I'll dry your tears whenever you cry.
Though I've went away and it seems we're apart
You will forever be my soul and my heart.
The love that we shared will not go astray.
For deep in my heart it will always stay.
You held me close when I was filled with pain
And your smile gave me sunshine when my life filled with rain.
You guided me when no one else could.
You protected me when no one else would.
We've shared so much that mere words can't express
How knowing you has made me feel truly blessed.
So please dear sister, fret not for me, for now my soul is truly free.
So think of me often, as much as you can
And I'll always be there to hold your hand.
I'll be your angel and guide you through life.
I'll give you comfort through torment and strife.
So thanks dear sister again and again,
Thank you always for being my sister and my friend.

by Reginald Bush

Too Much

2010-01-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

I had a thought yesterday morning that I should put off running my errands because I just didn't feel like going out, but I don't like to procrastinate and since I'm on call and never know what to-do's tomorrow will bring, I decided to stick to my routine. I should have just stayed home and in the end I did put off some of what I had to do because I just didn't have any more left in me. Grocery shopping was uneventful but successful and my stop at the post office was fairly pleasant. When I got to Target I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open so I took ten and when I woke up, I remembered that I had to stop at the bank, the salon and the library. I generally have a particular order about things so I left the Target parking lot, stopped at the salon quickly and then went to the bank which is where things went bad, fast. I had not one, but three tellers with no apparent compassion tell me that I could not do business on Mason's account because there was some coding error on it and I was not on the account, even though I am the one who set it up and have done all of the business with it thus far! There was nothing that I had to do that couldn't be done another day and while I waited for a manager with tears streaming down my face (not my style) watching a little boy run all over the place, I seriously considered just leaving, but one of the tellers (who had left the area) still had some of my paperwork. So I pretty much had to wait or make an even bigger scene by asking for it back. The manager wasn't as terrible as the tellers were, but she was cold and accusatory, since she surely wasn't going to admit that the bank had made an error. The tears continued (really not my style) and the life drained out while I explained everything for the 1000th time, stunned at the lack of customer service, nevermind compassion, as I had to talk over the teller counter with people coming and going around me. I left, still not getting what I intended to do done, but with her promising to be in touch after she got to the bottom of the problem. I was so upset that I forgot about the library and went back to Target. I apparently missed the memo that it was 'Bring your little boy to Target day', presumably because I no longer have a little boy. There were little boys with their mothers everywhere. At least 75% of the people shopping were moms with one little boy. The baby department seemed huge and there were so many new clothes in the boys section that I should have been buying for Mas. The toys that I no longer have a need to buy were marked in flashing neon and the baseball equipment aisle looked as big as the whole store. My iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks was good though. I finished at Target and went back to the library for the book that Jenny needed for a school project. I tried to make myself feel better with some fries from McDonald's but even they were half done and salty so I just went home, but home isn't as good as it used to be either. Yesterday was just too much.

Silence of Friends

2010-01-20T12:04:00.000-05:00

Recently I saw a facebook status message that read, "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." I didn't realize until today that it was a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. I have been surprised, if not hurt, by the silence from some people whom we trusted and called friends, but at the same time, amazed by the love and kindness that has come from some friends that we didn't even really know that we had.

Phantom Pain

2010-01-13T17:45:00.008-05:00

I am reading a book called A Grace Disguised by Gerald Sittser. There is a chapter in the book called The Amputation of the Familiar Self and the author talks about how the pain of a loss can be like the phantom pain that amputees often experience. I never really thought of it that way but as bizarre as it sounds, it's true. I can't explain it, but it's like the physical pain of a broken heart. It's not the heart, the organ, that is broken and hurting, but the spirit I guess, which is heavy with indescribable anguish that creates inexplainable physical pain. I ache from a place that I can't touch, sometimes to the point where I feel like I am going to die, too, for something, someone, a part of me that is no longer here. I know Mason isn't gone forever but he's gone from here, where we still are and it's just not okay.

You're Missed

2010-01-06T12:59:00.003-05:00

Jenny has been using my childhood Bible and recently I noticed that there were many papers, notes and bookmarks in it. Most of them were mine so I decided to take them out and put away what I wanted to keep. I found this poem that I had copied onto a piece of paper. I don't remember where it came, who wrote it or why it was in my Bible but it is so fitting for how we feel right now.

I am looking forward, very much, to the time when we will once again be able to talk and just be together.

It's surprising how often
I think of you,
turn to speak to you,
and realize
you're not right there
as I expect you to be.

I guess I hold you
so close in thought
that it's hard
to undersatnd sometimes
that you aren't close
in person.

But I wanted
to let you know
I'm thinking of you
and wishing we could talk
and just be together
awhile.

You're really missed!

Happy 2010?

2009-12-30T12:03:00.001-05:00

The excitement and joy were missing but we made it through our first Christmas without Mas. We slept in and got ready leisurely, which was nice, then Jenny opened a few gifts and we headed south to a very nice dinner on the water in Annapolis. From there we went on to Salisbury where we were able to help serve dinner at the Christian Shelter. I think that will probably be a new tradition for us. Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Our pastor said something at church on Sunday about the New Year and for the first time, I really thought about it. I typically just go day to day now, which, if you know me, is not at all typical but it's how I survive. I would have thought I'd be ready to bid farewell to 2009 and welcome 2010 but I'm not sure that I am. Although not for the whole year, I had Mason here with me in 2009 and I'm not sure that I'm ready to let that go and embrace a new year that he's not physically any part of.

Christmas Eve Approaching

2009-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Our tradition has always been to open one present and eat pizza for dinner. There won't be pizza this year. It just doesn't seem right. Mason's favorite foods don't even taste the same as they used to. We're starting a new tradition this year and going to church. Each of us has something to do to help and I'm looking forward to hearing the Word. I don't know what we're doing on Christmas Day yet but I am praying that God puts us where we are needed. I'll be heading to the hospital soon to help welcome a baby into the world. The time that I spend there will be emotional, I'm sure. We, finally, just yesterday, got the complete report from the medical examiner and today is the day that Mason was finally able to leave the hospital last year. The client that I will be joining in labor is also a kind and caring doctor who treated Mason when he was in the hospital. It is my turn to return the compassion and I am happy to share in her birth and make a good memory today.

A Day I Am Dreading

2009-12-16T15:38:00.003-05:00

In two days, it will be a year since Mason's surgery. Surgery that was supposed to be no big deal, routine, quick, outpatient. Surgery that was a big deal, complicated, long, required five miserable days in the hospital and something he never really recovered from. The day that Mason died is the worst day of my life but I feel like it all started on December 18th, when I left him in the operating room. There wasn't much choice then but now I wish that I could go back and do that day over. That was when life changed and it will never be the same again. Some days there isn't much strength left and I feel like I'm losing my hold on hope. This is one of those days. I miss my sweet boy. I miss my little friend.

Our Last Vacation

2009-12-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

This weekend will be exactly a year since our last vacation all together. We went to DC/VA to lay wreaths at Arlington National Cemetary with the Wreaths Across America project. On our way home, Mason really wanted to eat at Johnny Rockets but it wasn't convenient. Despite that, we granted his request and let the GPS lead us, sort of, to the Johnny Rockets at Union Station. It was a hassle at the time and the food was bleh, but the joy of walking around the beautifully decorated Union Station with his hand in mine and seeing him happy was totally worth it.

That's all, God, the rest you know.

2009-12-02T14:04:00.001-05:00

He is my Son, God, You had one, too.
This is what I ask of you.
Take his hand, hold it tight,
Keep him forever in your sight.
Give him comfort, love and ease.
I pray you will, oh God, please
Give him joy and peace of mind.
He is gentle, good and kind.
Let him be happy, his spirit free,
I ask you do this all for me.
I am his mother I love him so,
That's all, God, the rest you know.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T23:59:00.001-05:00

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV

This Thanksgiving, there will be an empty chair at dinner but his place in my heart will always be full of love. I am exceedingly thankful to be experiencing the peace of God which surpasses all understanding and I am eternally thankful that I can rest assured knowing that my little monkey is in the presence of God and that I, too, will one day be there with him.

Wisdom

2009-11-18T12:59:00.000-05:00

I'd like to share Brent Riggs' thoughts on wisdom.

http://www.seriousfaith.com/2009/11/about-wisdom/
click here

11/11

2009-11-11T23:21:00.011-05:00

Today is Veteran's Day. Mason talked about joining the Army, to heat up the Navy blood around him, but also to, in his words, do extreme stuff like jump out of (perfectly good) airplanes and help people. Joining the Army was the only 'in the future' thing that he really talked about. I don't know if his spirit knew that he wouldn't get to grow up and do the normal things or what. He did and does get to be a soldier for God though. I couldn't imagine having to say goodbye to Mason, sending him off to war, but I was pretty sure that someday I would. Maybe my spirit knew I'd have to somehow let him go. By accident, I also realized that today is exactly nine months since he went to Heaven. That feels wierd to me. It's not because I was pregnant for nine months because I wasn't. So I'm not sure why it's any different than seven or eight months, but it is... maybe because it makes twelve months seem so close and I can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been that long already. The next three months hold some of the darkest, but also some of the brightest memories and there are a bunch of firsts to get through. I know we will get through though. Strength and peace from God are truly unexplainable things.

Traveling

2009-11-04T07:20:00.000-05:00

Today we are applying for a new passport for Jenny in preparation for a big trip that we're taking over what will be difficult days. Realistically, for several reasons we probably wouldn't be taking this trip if Mason were still here with us. He didn't like air travel and this trip will require a lot of it. He wasn't scared of flying. He just didn't like the limited space and activity. He enjoyed seeing new places and things but there was no place like home for him. When we traveled he was always ready when it was time to go home (and see his cat). This is a trip that we need to take and I'm sure it will be good, but it seems so strange travellng without him. No matter how far or for how long I go on this earth, I will still miss him. I will be glad when I have completed my travels on this journey.

Hidden Treasures

2009-10-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

This weekend, while sorting through our 4-H bag looking for various things that Jenny needed to finish her Record Book, I found a note pad. It was the one that Mason used to doodle during our 4-H meetings. I smiled as I flipped through it, noticing that every single page had something written or drawn on it just for the sake of leaving his mark on each one. Toward the end of the note pad were two special pages. On one page was a portrait of me. I'm glad that I won't care about the bad hair he gave me once I get to Heaven and see him again, or else we would need to chat about that. On the other page was written, I Love Mom. The ink on the paper may fade over time but the love that he wrapped my heart in will always keep me warm. I pray that these little hidden treasures he left for me don't run out before I do.

I love you, too, medium sized man.

A Break in the Silence

2009-10-21T23:18:00.006-04:00

I was having a particularly hard time this week. I'm not sure what the particular reason was, but I was longing, I mean longing, to talk to Mason. I know I can talk to him but when I do, I end up feeling worse because he doesn't talk back. The silence makes his absence from my life here even more evident. One night during my regular before-sleep conversation with God, with a heavy heart, I asked Him, please, if Mason was right there with Him, if possible, could He let Mas know that I still love him and I still miss him and I can not wait to be with him again... and I knew it was kind of crazy but I would be so thankful if He allowed Mason, to somehow, just let me know that he still loves me, too. I didn't look for or wait for an answer. God, as He so faithfully has done throughout this journey, provided me with peace and rest. The next afternoon I received a package from UPS. I couldn't imagine what it was because we weren't expecting anything. I opened the package carefully, wondering what my not-so-good anymore mind had forgotten was coming, and there it was, the answer to my prayer. The art print that I had seen on our vacation in the mountains for Jenny's birthday, that reminded me so much of Mason, was now in my hands. You can see it here - http://www.yoderart.com/OnaLedge.html. The print was sent to me by the girl who I babysat, along with her brothers, twenty-some years ago. She read my blog, did the research, found the print I mentioned and had it sent to me. I was completely blown away. I still am. I'm not sure I'll ever fully recover. It is definitely one of the kindest, most considerate and over the top things anyone has ever done for me and I haven't even seen her in at least ten years. Thank you, God, for listening and using Betsy. Thank you, Bets, for listening, too, and being willing. You facilitated a momentary break in the silence. The message wasn't audible to my ears but was heard clearly in my heart. "I love you, too, Mama, so much, and I'm on a ledge - hanging out for you."

Words from Abraham Lincoln

2009-10-14T06:00:00.001-04:00

Colonel, did you ever dream of a lost friend, and feel that you were holding sweet communion with that friend, and yet have a sad consciousness that it was not a reality? - just so I dream of my boy Willie.

-Remark to army officer three months after Willie's death, from Six Months at the White House with Abraham Lincoln by F.B. Carpenter

Just so I dream of my boy Mason. The last books that Mas picked from the school library were about Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abraham Lincoln, who he called Hammerhead Lincoln because when he was younger, he couldn't pronounce Abraham without it sounding like Hammerhead. From the time that he learned who they were, he talked about both men quite often. He was impressed with their service to mankind and I think he felt somehow connected via kind hearts. How I miss the little person that was, in my life, big in every way. There simply aren't words. When I imagine Mason hanging out with Hammerhead Lincoln in Heaven though, it makes me smile.

This picture was taken during a wreath laying Arlington National Cemetery shortly before Christmas last year. It was just a few days before Mason's surgery and ended up being our last trip together as a family. Mason chose a fellow Pennsylvanian's grave to lay his wreath on. The crazy hat that he was wearing is still hanging with his coat by the front door. I can't bear to move them.

Wish List

2009-10-07T22:42:00.000-04:00

Bereaved Parents Wish List

I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.

I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle it an hour at a time.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

Borrowed from Mark's Mommy at Missing Mark
Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends

Psalm 143

2009-09-30T07:45:00.000-04:00

Hear my prayer, O LORD,

Give ear to my supplications!

In Your faithfulness answer me,

And in Your righteousness.

Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,

For in Your sight no one living is righteous.

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;

He has crushed my life to the ground;

He has made me dwell in darkness,

Like those who have long been dead.

Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;

My heart within me is distressed.

I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all Your works;

I muse on the work of Your hands.

I spread out my hands to You;

My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.

Selah

Answer me speedily, O LORD;

My spirit fails!

Do not hide Your face from me,

Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For in You do I trust;

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,

For I lift up my soul to You.

Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;

In You I take shelter.

Teach me to do Your will,

For You are my God;

Your Spirit is good.

Lead me in the land of uprightness.

Revive me, O LORD, for Your name’s sake!

For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

In Your mercy cut off my enemies,

And destroy all those who afflict my soul;

For I am Your servant.

What Makes a Mother

2009-09-23T06:49:00.000-04:00

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me. I
learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."

"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

-Jennifer Wasik

No Longer

2009-09-16T23:39:00.000-04:00

I am no longer the mother of a son. I am the mother of one. More of my children are in Heaven than are on earth with me. I miss what I didn't have and I miss what I did have just the same.
I pray for strength to live the life that God wants of me. I pray for the direction to follow His lead and the wisdom to know the difference. I am so thankful for the peace and comfort that He has given to me and I want to share that which only He can provide, but I long for when we no longer have to be on earth and too can be in Heaven, resting in the Arms that can cover it all.

A Child of Mine

2009-09-09T17:12:00.000-04:00

A Child of Mine
by Edgar Albert Guest

I will lend you, for a little time,
A child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over,
In search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate me when I come
To take him home again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.

Strength

2009-09-02T14:23:00.000-04:00

We went to the State Fair this weekend. Mason could always hardly wait to go for the milking of the cow and the riding of carnival rides. Each year he looked forward to being a little taller so he could get on the more extreme rides. Last year he was finally tall enough to ride them all and he couldn't have been happier. This year, we knew we had to go but, like everything else now, it just wasn't the same. Jenny did very well with her 4-H entries but she didn't have her little brother to share her success with and she didn't have him for a riding partner. She wanted to ride all the rides that he liked just the same though and she wanted to play all of his favorite games, too. I was managing until she wanted to play the water gun game, the one that I really liked and always played with Mason to help him win. He would hold the gun and I would hold my hands over his, helping him to aim and put constant pressure on the trigger. On our way in to the fairgrounds, so as to not have to look at Mason's favorite rock climbing wall, I walked faster and turned my head. On the way out Jenny mentioned about wanting to try it. She and Mason always had a bit of a rivalry about it. He challenged her to keep trying so that she could catch him at the top. We were already past it and more than ready for dinner but I still saw it and it was another ginormous reminder, like I need one, that the little person that lit up my life big is not here anymore. I felt bad for not going back so she could climb but I was so thankful that we were past it because I just didn't think I could have stood there to watch. Last year, after climbing to the top more than once, and stopping only when his muscles were trembling, Mason told me he wanted to be an Army Ranger and jump out of airplanes. He had strength of body, mind and spirit far beyond his size and years. He still challenges me to keep trying. I can't wait to catch him at the top.

That Time of Year

2009-08-26T16:56:00.000-04:00

School started for Jenny yesterday and it's soccer season. This year I thought I would be juggling two totally different school schedules and I was looking forward to crisp and sometimes downright cold and always way too early Saturday morning soccer games, watching Mason protect the goal like a stonewall and working harder to keep my mouth shut so as to not embarrass him too much with my excitement and pride. It's no wonder he was such a natural goalie. He was a protector, doing his best to help everyone and everything around him, from the little stray kittens to the people without food or homes, to his momma who really wasn't too much on being called that, but always responded because he melted her heart with limitless love.

On A Ledge

2009-08-19T21:01:00.005-04:00

Jenny's 12th birthday was this weekend and she wanted to spend it at Rocky Gap. We have had many special times at Rocky Gap and Jenny loves the nature in the mountains. Jason and I realized we were in love fourteen years ago at Rocky Gap and we have taken several trips there as a family and with our friends from England but we hadn't been in a few years so I thought it would be easier to go there than to somewhere like the beach where we had more recent memories. I was wrong. As soon as we got there and unpacked, we took a hike around the lodge and the lake. There were beautiful butterflies flying around us, stopping on the flowers and bushes for quick photo ops. The weather was nice and life wasn't so bad. Then, there it was... the campfire circle. Instantly, my mind saw Mason eating ever so lightly roasted marshmallows by the twos at the campfire circle and I was painting a wooden moose with him during kids craft time and hanging it in our room window so he could identify our room from the outside. I was letting him sit in the hot tub with me because he loved the warm water so much. I was reasurring him that we wouldn't fall out of the canoe on the lake if we just sat still (but wishing the rental time would pass quickly just the same). I was walking around the Aviary with him, learning about the birds of prey. Once my mind started, it was impossible to turn it off. We came in for dinner and had a seafood buffet, to Jenny's delight, but I could hear Mason complaining about how bad it smelled and how he wasn't eating any of that gross stuff. I don't think I slept more than a half hour at a time that night. I kept waking up wondering why I wasn't crowded, suprised that he hadn't crawled in bed beside me, looking over at the sleeper sofa (or couch bed as he and Jenny always called it) where there should have been two but there was just one, with the whole bed to herself. The next day we drove a little deeper into the mountains, along the old National Road and to an artisan village where we stopped frequently to gather leaves for Jenny's collection and to browse at the artisan's shops. The whole time, there was a missing hand in mine and there was no voice prodding us along or asking if we were taking a whole forest full of leaves home with us. There was a painting in one of the shops of a stuffed monkey sitting on a window ledge, entitled On A Ledge. If it wasn't $200 I would have bought it. It reminded me so much of Mason. When we got back to the lodge, on the way to the spa for Jenny's birthday pedicure, we passed the same painting (the lodge displayed some of the arts & crafts from the village). The little eyes on the monkey seemed to follow me. As I was waiting for Jenny in the spa, I slouched down into a chair and was relaxing to the music that was playing, trying to get that monkey out of my head. When I opened my eyes there were three candles burning on a wall shelf in front of me. Three lights for the three children in my heart. One with me on earth. Two with God in Heaven. My joyful little monkey is there and I am sitting on a ledge.

My Force is God

2009-08-12T20:36:00.005-04:00

As I sat alone in my chair watching Jen's swim lesson today, seeing mothers all around me lay out picnic blankets for lunch and call their kids out of the pool to eat, I noticed a blonde boy with glasses sitting next to me. He had come out of the pool to eat his popcorn chicken. He was about Mason's age and he had Mason's attitude, but he wasn't Mas. It made me sad. I miss every single thing about Mason and all that he brought to my life. I miss what I could so freely give to his. Medically speaking, his death was senseless but I have to see past that, to the grace and mercy and accept that I won't fully understand until I get to Heaven myself. People think we have some closure now but there is no such thing. There is no moving on. There is only learning to live in this space of time, knowing and trusting that it won't be forever. The Force is with me and this is not the end. I can't wait for the real beginning.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

Another First

2009-08-05T20:25:00.002-04:00

This past weekend marked another first, another first without Mas. He missed his first County Fair ever and we missed it, too. It, like everything else now, just wasn't the same. There was no impatient little boy wondering when Jenny's shows would be over so he could go get something to eat. I had more fresh squeezed orangeade for myself and we didn't have to stand in line for the moon bounce or the pony and cattle rides. He had grown so much, he may even have been too big for the pony rides this year but I'm sure he would have given the longhorn a run for it's money, given the chance. I know I would have shared all of my orangeade and stood in lines all day, given the chance.

Anchored

2009-07-29T14:21:00.000-04:00

Questions are supposed to bring answers. Sometimes though, answers just bring more questions. I don't know all of the answers, but God does and He knows when and how to reveal them. I am thankful that He is my anchor - steady, strong and secure through these troubled waters that we are treading.

"God will take care of it, no matter how short or how long it takes."-Mason

Flashbacks

2009-07-22T11:12:00.003-04:00

On this day in 2001 I got clinical confirmation that I was pregnant with Mason. I already knew in my heart, but it was good to see, and an awesome day because it was also the same day that Jason and I had first met, back in 1995. This year, today is a Wednesday, and this year, Mason died on a Wednesday and his birthday was on a Wednesday, too. I always liked Wednesdays because the week was half over and the weekend, when we could all spend more time together, was almost here. Now, instead of feeling like I have crossed over the hump, the middle of the week just reminds me of how far I still have to climb. Today, I was in the operating room at "work" for the first time since Mason's surgery. I didn't give it a thought until I got in there, but the surroundings sent me back like time travel in the movies. The white, the masks, the monitors, the noises, all flashed me back to walking with my precious boy into the OR, helping him climb onto the table, sweeping his soft hair (which was getting long, much to my dismay) away from his sweet face, kissing him and telling him that I loved him as the anesthesiologist put the mask on his face. They had warned me that he might fight the mask but he didn't at all. He breathed in just as he was instructed (all that relaxation breathing that we had done was beneficial in so many situations) and quickly went to sleep. Leaving him there was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but I trusted the team, it was supposed to be routine and he was going to be awake and ready to go home in just a few hours, or so we thought. To say my life drastically changed the day Mason died would be an understatement, but really, that day is when it changed because things were never the same after I left him in the OR. I do still laugh at how hilarious he was that morning. I wish I had it on video. He drew quite the crowd to his pre-op room and he was an absolute riot, in true Mason style. Gosh, I miss him. He had it all, including a broken heart for those who were hurting. I was in the hardware store last week and overheard a conversation between two men. One was telling the other how great he looked because he had lost weight and he asked if his wife had stopped feeding him. The man who looked good replied that his wife had passed away recently. My heart sunk and I felt so bad for both the man who stuck his foot in his mouth and the man who looked good on the outside but certainly didn't feel that way on the inside. So, today I encourage those of you who read these ramblings of mine to take a few minutes and step outside of your zone. Pray for someone, anyone, even someone you don't even know. There are multitudes of people in this world who are hurting for a myriad of reasons. Pray to God for their peace and comfort. Better yet, truly put yourself second and do something to help someone, even if it's just offering your shoulder. There is a lot of work to be done here.

I should add that we still do not know why Mason died and I don't blame his medical team or the surgery, although there were some very troubling times throughout the whole ordeal. Ultimately, even if we do find that there is someone to "blame", if this wasn't part of God's plan, the outcome wouldn't have been what it is. So, I continue to trust that this, like all things for those who believe, will work for good.

The Broken Chain

2009-07-15T22:04:00.001-04:00

The Broken Chain

We knew little that morning

that God was going to call your name

In life we loved you dearly

In death we do the same

It broke our hearts to lose you

You did not go alone

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home

You left us peaceful memories

Your love is still our guide

And though we cannot see you

You are always at our side

Our family chain is broken

And nothing seems to be the same

But as God calls us one by one

The chain will link again

Author Unknown

The New Normal

2009-07-08T23:55:00.001-04:00

Every day seems like "one of those days." I'm getting past feeling like I have to say, "Good, thanks, how about you?" when people ask how we are doing. We're not good. We are okay, but every day is hard. Some days are really hard and some days are excruciating. Like the days when I pull out four place settings for a meal or catch myself saying, "party of four", at a restaurant, or when Jenny doesn't have a ride partner for the crazy fair rides or when she finds an antique Mason jar seal on a hike at environmental camp, or when I hear a parent complaining about their kids or their summer or someone asks me how many children I have. Then there are the nights where we go to bed exhausted, but we are woken up repeatedly by dreams that make us even more tired. Often, in the mornings, for just a split second, I think my life is still perfect, the way it was, but I quickly remember that I am living what I would have described as my worst nightmare. A bizarre nauseated feeling comes over me and I unable to get certain images and thoughts out of my head, so I get up, try to refocus and try to stay busy, living another day the best that I can until I get to be done with all of this.

I don't grieve as someone with no hope. I do have hope. I don't have all of the words to explain it and I don't even fully understand it, but I do have hope. It just isn't here.

Ride on, cowboy. I sure do miss riding life with you. We rode hard but you made it easy.

Holding On

2009-07-01T21:53:00.005-04:00

I took this picture last year on the huge ferris wheel at the State Fair. I was trying to get a shot of Mason's face, with one hand on the camera, because my other hand was around him and he was holding it. He wasn't holding my hand because he was scared. That's just always where his hand was - in mine. My attempt at capturing the look on his face failed, but this picture so clearly, to me, shows our love.

Nine years ago I was at the end of a very long discussion with God about having another baby, or not. I was an only child, not counting my older brother who was stillborn. I didn't see a problem with Jenny being an only child, not counting her older sister who was stillborn. Jason didn't like the idea but he didn't push the issue. We had one healthy child. I didn't want to count my chickens, or babies as it were. And, truth be told, Jenny was a real handful and I didn't think I could do a good job mothering another. Little did we know then just how smart Jenny was and why she was so high maintenance. I woke up in the morning on July 4th, remembering that in my dreams, God had told me that I was going to have another baby, a boy, and he was going to be due on my beloved Grandfather's birthday. For once, I didn't really ask any questions. I was just so happy that I didn't have to make the decision about whether to have another baby or not, as if it was mine to make. Not so surprisingly, since God told me it was to be, that night, our firecracker was born inside of me. I knew immediately. The specifics were confirmed a few months later during a routine ultrasound. He was in fact a he and my due date was changed to be, yes, my Grandfather's birthday. However, Mason made us wait another ten days, until April Fools Day, to join the earth apart from me.

Today I am in another long discussion with God about how it is that I am going to live in this world without that little firecracker. After he was born, I didn't know how I ever lived without him and now he has joined Heaven apart from me.

Sometimes I still feel his hand in mine. I feel his love leading me on. Just sometimes I don't want to go anywhere but where he is.

Sunset

2009-06-24T12:41:00.005-04:00

Thanks to Carly at To Write Their Names in the Sand namesinthesand.blogspot.com

for writing Mason's name in the sand as the sun was setting over

Mullaloo Point, Australia.

My son has set. There is no more son shine. There is darkness.

But (thank you for the lyrics adaptation, Josh)

when everything is dark it seems, the light can be more clearly seen.

I pray that the light shines through the broken pieces of me

until I can once again see my only son shine.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

2009-06-17T15:47:00.006-04:00

What does a person that is hurting look like? Is there a list of visible symptoms they must have before they should get treatment with compassion? Do they have to be crying? screaming? refusing to function? addicted? lost? poor? hungry? sharing their sorrows with anyone who will listen?

From past experience, I knew there would be times that my outward appearance would cause people to forget that I was broken inside. I am a do-er and I feel pretty confident in knowing that God still has things for me to do here, even though sometimes I don't feel like doing anything without Mason, my son, my friend, the only person that I know who I really felt like I "got" and who really "got" me. I loved and enjoyed him every single second that he was here and I will miss him every single second until we are together again. Sometimes I feel alone, but God reminds me that's not really true.

Today I am a little tired. I am tired of fighting with insensitve people at the bank who give me a fit every other time I go in because we haven't created a legal memorial fund yet, even though we can't do so without a death certificate (which we don't have because we are still waiting on the medical examiner's office). I am tired of talking to people who think that just because I look "okay", I feel like discussing personal and private details in casual public situations or that I have "moved on" and they no longer need to acknowledge my sweet little boy before bombarding me with what they are going through, how tired they are of dealing with their kids, how they are so sad because they have to watch their kids growing up, why they couldn't do something I asked because they are so busy and what bad shape the world is in because of the drama on Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Please don't judge books by their covers...

By the way, Mason was happy and acting crazy, as always, in this picture.

Missing Pieces

2009-06-10T22:14:00.005-04:00

Today was the last day of the school year and it has been hard not to think about how I have one home for the summer and two Home forever. I know those two have it infinitely good but it is still hard not to wish they were here with me, or better yet, I was there with them. The summer will be busy, as always, but it will be without Mas. There just aren't enough words to express how huge his presence was or how much of a difference he made with the love that he so freely gave. Now we are missing a ginormous piece of our family puzzle and we have no choice but to patiently wait until we're put back together again.

Little Things

2009-06-03T21:53:00.005-04:00

Last week just plain sucked. I've had worse days, but as a whole I think it was the worst week so far. It still went fast though, thank God. I spent Memorial Day painting the memorial bench for Mason's school, missing my little hero and two evenings watching rec baseball, one wishing I could be cheering for my Mason instead of only hearing cheers for other kids and the other one seeing Mason's name on the back of the team jerseys and wishing there was no need for that (even though it's really awesome and much appreciated). I spent several nights last week falling asleep longing to talk to Mason, wanting to hear him say one more time, "Don't worry Momma, God will take care of it all, no matter how short or how long it takes", telling God that I could really use a sign, some sense of direct communication. It had seemed quiet for a few weeks and I was feeling attacked on more fronts than I felt like I had strength to fight.

Already this week, in several different, unrelated conversations with different people, Heaven has come up. I have received unsolicited promises to, God willing, send a sign that everything is okay if they got There before me. Then, as He always does, in one way or another, God not only heard, but responded to my request. Last night, one of Mason's past teachers (and one of the few reasons that he didn't totally hate going to school) facebooked me to tell me she had very unexpectedly come across the cue cards that Mason had from when he told jokes at the school talent show when he was in kindergarten, two years ago. Mason rocked that night. He had so much fun and he was so funny. He made me laugh so hard that I dropped my camera. Then this afternoon, Jennifer was digging for colored pencils to finish a school project and she found a birthday card that Mason had started for me back in the fall but apparently had forgotten about... or maybe not.

I am so thankful for the little things, thankful for the signs.

I will keep running, Mas. Keep watching, I will catch up. I'll keep my eyes on what is to come and not dwell in what has passed. You are not only part of my past but part of my glorious future and there, we'll be together forever. I can not wait, but I'm not done here, so I have to. I'll keep rounding the bases until I make it Home, for it is only there that I will be truly safe and able to rest.

Hebrews 12
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Nothing Good to Say

2009-05-27T21:43:00.006-04:00

When I started this blog I resolved to post every Wednesday, the day that Mason died and also the day that his birthday fell on this year. So far, each week it was getting easier to do. Until tonight. I have had a hard week and it's only the middle. The week started with Memorial Day... another day that we should have spent together. Instead, I spent it painting the memorial bench for Mason's elementary school. I feel mad. I feel bitter. I feel completely sad. I have more questions than I have answers. I have tried hard to not think about the things I won't get to do with Mason and instead try to focus on being thankful for all of the things I got to do (which I truly am). But it's not the things that I'll never get to do with him that are hurting me, like the prom or graduation or watching him grow into the wonderful man I knew he'd be. It's the continuation, or lack thereof, of doing the things that I so loved doing with and for him. Mason is everywhere I look, but not here at all. I ache for his love to the very bottom of my soul.

I Am There

2009-05-20T11:18:00.010-04:00

I Am There

James Dillet Freeman

Do you need Me? I am there.

You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.

You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.

You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.

I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.

I am at work, though you do not undersatnd My works.

I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know

Me as I AM, and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yet I am here. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.

When you need ME, I am there.

Even if you deny Me, I am there.

Even when you feel most alone, I am there.

Even in your fears, I am there.

Even in your pain, I am there.

I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.

I am in you, and you are in Me.

Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me,

for only in your mind are the mists of "yours and "mine."

Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.

Empty your heart of empty fears.

When you get yourself out of the way, I am there.

You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.

And I AM in all.

Though you may not see the good, good is there, for

I am there. I am there because I have to be, because

I AM.

Only in Me does the world have meaning; only out of

Me does the world take form; only because of ME

does the world go forward.

I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the

growth of living cells are founded.

I am the love that is the law's fulfilling. I am assurance.

I am peace. I am oneness. I am the law that you can live by.

I am the love that you can cling to. I am your assurance.

I am your peace. I am ONE with you. I am.

Though you fail to find ME, I do not fail you.

Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you

never waivers, because I know you, because I love you.

Beloved, I AM there.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Just Begun

2009-05-13T20:02:00.004-04:00

Don't think of him as gone away -
his journey's just begun
life holds so many facets -
this earth is only one.

Just think of him as restiing
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.

Think how he must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.

And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost -
and he was loved so much

E. Brenneman

Jenny read this poem at Mason's Memorial and I think it says so much. On Monday, the same date of the month that Mason left this earth, one of my blog 'friends' said, "See ya later" to their baby girl who had hung on for almost a year, beating so many odds and touching so many lives. Mason followed her story with me. He loved babies and was particularly taken with Kayleigh because she was the same size at birth as his older stillborn sister. I can imagine the smile on his face to be able to meet her, give her one of his all encompassing hugs, take her by the hand and show her around.

Safe in His Arms

2009-05-06T23:24:00.004-04:00

I thought that by now everyone who knew us and/or Mason had heard that he was no longer with us on Earth but the news is still traveling so I still hear, "I don't know how you do it" and even some people that the news isn't news to anymore, still look at me funny.

I had to count the weeks on my calendar and it's been 12 weeks today. Honestly, I'm happy that I had to look at my calendar to know exactly how long we've been without Mas here. I don't think about the timing too much and that is a blessing. One of the first things I remember praying about after Mas died was for God to please not leave me in that wretched space of time, counting the hours and days as they passed... one more whatever without him. Now I just think I'm one more whatever closer to Heaven and I am totally fine with that. There is SO much that I already can not wait to talk to Mas about!

I still haven't quite figured out where the overflowing joy that Mason brought to my life will now come from but I find that when I open my heart, my eyes and my ears, it finds me in little bits, all over the place. The last conversation that I had with Mas, he was already gone from here, so I was the one doing all of the talking. As I held his face close to mine and ran my fingers through his soft hair and across his sweet cheeks for the last time this side of Heaven, I told him, God really, that I knew the rest of my walk here was going to be hard now and I hadn't a clue how I was going to do it but I knew He was going to help me and I promised that I would keep my heart, my eyes and my ears open and I would be patient and wait for guidance. Thank God, He hasn't really made me exercise the patience part and He meets me wherever I am. The guidance is always there. No matter the severity of the storm, there is always shelter in His open arms. That is how I do it.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Perspective

2009-04-29T22:00:00.023-04:00

When I was in labor with our daughters, the first who was born still 13 years ago this Saturday, although I obviously got through and did so without any pain medication either time, I remember thinking, "If this gets any worse, I am going to be in trouble." Both birth experiences were quick and relatively easy but they really weren't enjoyable. When I was in labor with Mas, my perspective had shifted and after each contraction I remember thinking, "Thank you God that this isn't so bad, thank you for being here with me every step of the way." The experience was nothing short of absolutely amazing.

When Mason died, and even still, so many refer to it as a loss. I think we have been conditioned to not say words like died or death and people just don't like the words because they make you feel bad. Losing and loss personally don't make me feel any better though. Mason died. He's not lost. He's not missing. I know where he is. Sometimes it's very hard to think of anything other than what I lost or don't have now, but I feel like staying in those thoughts too long dishonors how richly God blessed me by choosing me to be Mason's Mom, his incredible life, all that he gave and all that I do have because he was here, even if it was for a much shorter time than I had planned. Mason's physical absence from my life has left a crater. Walking through that crater hurts and sometimes it seems too deep and vast to navigate. When I shift my perspective and think, Thank you God for not leaving me here alone, thank you for showing me the way and for picking me up when I fall, thank you for giving me promise and hope", I have the strength to keep going, for I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Perspective, it's all about where you are looking and what you are seeing.

Tattoos and Scars

2009-04-22T23:55:00.006-04:00

This is Jason's new, first (despite 4.5 years in the Navy) tattoo skillfully created by Erica at Mason Dixon Tattoo & Art Gallery. Cool, eh? Mason would be proud. I think he would have been well inked if he had gotten the chance. He insisted that he wasn't going to join the Navy though. He wanted to join the Army. Little did I know it was God's Army.

There is a lot of symbolism on Jason's arm. The hawk is for Mason, the bird is for Jenny and the butterfly is for Mikaela, our stillborn daughter and their first initials are worked in. The sun is an adaptation of a henna tattoo that Mason got at the beach last summer and the compass points are for direction from The Son, Jesus Christ. Even cooler now, eh?

So Jason has a piece of art on his arm now and we have a scar on our hearts. It's not our first, or our only but it's huge and it hurts and we certainly didn't want it. I don't think this scar will heal this side of heaven but I have peace in the great hope that is on the other side, because of the pain and the suffering and the scars that Jesus endured, willingly, completely, for us.

A Son is...

2009-04-15T23:58:00.011-04:00

A son is...
Author Unknown

Trust with dirt on his face,

Beauty with a cut on his finger,

Wisdom with bubble gum in his hair,

and the Hope of the future with

A frog in his pocket.

My Hope is now in Heaven

Check out the Riggs Family Blog at www.riggsfamilyblog.com

Conversations with Mason...

2009-04-08T23:45:00.004-04:00

A few months ago, Mas and I were having one of our great conversations. I was talking to him about how he had his Dad here but also his Father in Heaven, how cool it was that he had two fathers and how even when Dad or I couldn't be with him, he was never alone because God was always with him. That is when Mason asked me the burning question. "Then how come not everybody believes in God, Momma?" I told him that was a good question and one I didn't have the answer to. Mas was quiet for a few and then said, "That must really hurt God's feelings." I didn't have anything to say in return but it hurt to think about how I would feel if one of my children denied me. I realized how right on Mason really was.

Yesterday I picked up the things that were stashed in Mason's desk at school. His writing journal entry for 16 December was this. The drawing is of an angel and the kid-writing is, "because I believe in God." There is nothing more that he needed to say. I am so thankful for everything that Mason shared with me. I cherish even the very many sleepless nights. I know what I am missing though, and I sure do miss it now - all of it. I am beyond sad without my sweet boy here in the way that I had grown so accustomed to and enjoyed so much but, even more, I rest assured that he is with his Father at home.

Happy Birthday, Mas

2009-04-01T14:15:00.012-04:00

Today is Mason's 8th birthday, no fooling, and it is also exactly 7 weeks since he went to heaven. I have resisted the blog bug for a long time, but today I'm allowing the bite.

In this time of so much uncertainty, I am trying to keep my thoughts contained to the things I know (thank you, Pastor Doug) and leave the rest to God. It helps, so for at least the time being, this blog will be about the things I know. I know that Mason loves his best bud (or brother from another mother),T.J., and T.J.'s Mom had a fantabulous idea when she offered to bring over 8 balloons for us to write messages to Mason on and then set free. What a great new tradition this will be for us. We each wrote a special thought to Mas on our balloons and then went outside to let them go. We saved one balloon for Mason and didn't write anything on it. That is the one that I let go. We watched them until they went above the clouds and we couldn't see them anymore.

I wasn't able to tell Mason that it was okay to let go of the here and now if he wanted or needed to. I was somehow okay with that only because I knew it meant letting God. If there is anything at all that I regret, that is the one thing. I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't when the chance came. I didn't really think of it until I started writing this post but letting Mason's balloon go felt deeper than the obvious - and it was good.

Happy birthday, my sweet boy. I so wish that we could have watched you play and be happy today but I know you are, so we just have to trust and see it when we close our eyes. I long to feel your hugs, kisses and hand in mine and I long to hear, "Momma, I love you - so much". So until then, I'm still here, you're still in my heart and I'll keep my eyes and ears open, just like I promised. Here is where I would say that I love you more than anything and you would remind me that God was at the top of the list, so I'll just say, "I love you" and I know that you know how much.