Words from Abraham Lincoln

Colonel, did you ever dream of a lost friend, and feel that you were holding sweet communion with that friend, and yet have a sad consciousness that it was not a reality? - just so I dream of my boy Willie.

-Remark to army officer three months after Willie's death, from Six Months at the White House with Abraham Lincoln by F.B. Carpenter

Just so I dream of my boy Mason. The last books that Mas picked from the school library were about Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abraham Lincoln, who he called Hammerhead Lincoln because when he was younger, he couldn't pronounce Abraham without it sounding like Hammerhead. From the time that he learned who they were, he talked about both men quite often. He was impressed with their service to mankind and I think he felt somehow connected via kind hearts. How I miss the little person that was, in my life, big in every way. There simply aren't words. When I imagine Mason hanging out with Hammerhead Lincoln in Heaven though, it makes me smile.

This picture was taken during a wreath laying Arlington National Cemetery shortly before Christmas last year. It was just a few days before Mason's surgery and ended up being our last trip together as a family. Mason chose a fellow Pennsylvanian's grave to lay his wreath on. The crazy hat that he was wearing is still hanging with his coat by the front door. I can't bear to move them.

Wish List

Bereaved Parents Wish List

I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.

I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle it an hour at a time.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

Borrowed from Mark's Mommy at Missing Mark
Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends

Psalm 143

Hear my prayer, O LORD,

Give ear to my supplications!

In Your faithfulness answer me,

And in Your righteousness.

Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,

For in Your sight no one living is righteous.

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;

He has crushed my life to the ground;

He has made me dwell in darkness,

Like those who have long been dead.

Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;

My heart within me is distressed.

I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all Your works;

I muse on the work of Your hands.

I spread out my hands to You;

My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.

Selah

Answer me speedily, O LORD;

My spirit fails!

Do not hide Your face from me,

Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For in You do I trust;

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,

For I lift up my soul to You.

Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;

In You I take shelter.

Teach me to do Your will,

For You are my God;

Your Spirit is good.

Lead me in the land of uprightness.

Revive me, O LORD, for Your name’s sake!

For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

In Your mercy cut off my enemies,

And destroy all those who afflict my soul;

For I am Your servant.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me. I
learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."

"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

-Jennifer Wasik